ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
