My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
