I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
