My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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