hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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