so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
