I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
