dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
