Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
