I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
