i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
