they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
