Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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