He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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