Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
