I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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