Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
