Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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