So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
