I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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