I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
