Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
