Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
