Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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