thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
