i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
