if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
