The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
