Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
