Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
