is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
