i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
