apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
