you have to choose: penises or morals?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
