She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
