just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
