Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
