god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
