So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
