Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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