You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
