is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
