Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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