Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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