do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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