I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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