Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
