Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
