I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
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