so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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