don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
