The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
