You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
