Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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