Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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