I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
