I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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