Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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