I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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