I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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