From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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