Someone shit on the floor
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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