woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I DEMAND FORESKIN
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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