Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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